SEARING FAN MAIL

Dear Katie Arnoldi,

On behalf of readers everywhere I feel it is time to write and ask the question that is on all of our minds: What happened to you? Why have your gone so flat?  Where’s the funny?  We came to you because of your twisted sense of humor, your sick perspective, and your silly observations about our everyday existence.  We stayed with you because of your strange and hysterical people.  You brought us into your weird world and we kind of liked it.  We climbed on board and were willing to follow you through the bent tunnels at the back of your mind. We often heard directly from your characters like Norman Wentworth (who is frankly much more interesting and intelligent than you have ever been).  Even with your non-fiction, we were game.  You used to write hilarious essays about your sexually active characters and your ridiculous escapades as a faux superhero. And how about all those botched research assignments?  Like the hyperbaric chamber?  And that time you lit your hair on fire in the name of research or got stuck on the top of a mountain all by yourself and almost had to be rescued at the expense of the taxpayers’ hard earned dollars?  Why don’t you tell us that stuff anymore?  Now all we get from you is serious hand wringing about troubling things you see on your trips around the world.  THE OCEAN IS DYING.  WOMEN AREN’T TREATED FAIRLY.  THE ENVIRONMENT.  RAPE.  GENOCIDE.  MONEY IS THE CENTRAL SOURCE OF ALL EVIL.  MEXICO.   MEXICO.  MEXICO.

News flash, Ms. Arnoldi:  We read the papers.   We know what’s going on and we have our own opinions.   We don’t need you for the grown-up stuff.  Frankly, you write news with a sledgehammer.   Your world perspective is severely limited by that bleeding heart of yours. You have a tendency to rant, and preach.  You’re boring in the real world.  YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUES WRITER.  Leave that to the smart guys.  We want you to go back to Katie Arnoldi land where the freaks live and procreate by having weird sex.  Please start making stuff up again.  We’ve spoken with your old characters and they’ve all agreed that there’s plenty of room up there in your head for some fresh blood.  Bring in that nicely messed up Petri family you’ve been thinking about.  Let Monica and Jim Jr. move in.  Allow baby Michelle (Mickey) to be born.    Let’s hear about the FEEDERS AND FEEDEES.  Take us beneath the apron.  It’s time.